Part II - Snorkeling

I learned in 2006 is how easy it is for distance to set in between you and the people you care about. There are split seconds in which you suddenly recognize that perhaps you mean less to others than they do to you; it can be hard to accept how easily some people seem to be willing to let your presence in their lives just fade to black. I’ve always tried to maintain and nurture my relationships… but sometimes you just don’t get it back. You know how some people are so warm and receptive and engaged when they communicate with you, but unless you initiate it, they don’t? That can be a hurtful realization. It makes you question a lot of things, not the least of which is your own sense of perception.

I have news of a project to share with all of you that I’m absolutely thrilled about. As you know, in February I was a member of the ensemble of The Vagina Monologues. Next March, with the blessing of last year’s production team and the Head of the V-Day Worldwide Campaign, I will be making my debut as Director and Co-Producer of the official V-Day Toronto 2007 presentation. It’s a whole lot of work but I’ve assembled a fantastic Production team, which will allow me to devote as much of myself as I need to realizing my creative vision for the show. Auditions were a very interesting experience as it was my first time in the role of Casting Director – particularly kool was reading everyone’s responses to my “In 25 words of less, what does being a woman mean to you?” question. It was two long days of auditioning and I ate an obscene number of chips, but we found some wonderful actresses and I cannot wait to work with them. What a gift to be halfway through a 9 hour casting call and have someone walk in whose audition brings tears to your eyes, or makes you burst into laughter, or raises every pore on your arms. Great moments. Thank you to my Associate Producer Laura for donating the lovely Labspace Studio for our auditions. I will have much more info to share with you about the show in next month’s newsletter. To those of you who’ve sweetly been asking when the heck I’ll be performing again, the answer is not until the Monologues are over! I’m going to be eating breathing and sleeping vaginas for the next 3 months (okay, a part of that came out waaaay wrong!), but when V-Day wraps up I plan on singing and singing and singing my little heart out.

That said, I haven’t written any music since September. That probably doesn’t seem like very long, but I haven’t gone three months without composing a song since 1996. At any time in the past, I’d have been frantic right now. I would’ve been steeped in worry, sure that I was locked in some permanent state of Writer’s Block and lamenting the fact that the songs had left me forever. But I don’t feel that way, because it hasn’t been a block at all. It’s been a lack of inclination. For the last three months I’ve walked past my keyboard everyday and heard no call, and it’s probably one of the healthy things that could be happening right now. There was a period earlier this year during which I penned SO much that I was becoming consumed. If I didn’t write something for 3 days I would start trembling for reasons I couldn’t put my finger on, or I’d get a migraine, or insomnia. I see now that writing songs had become my sole means of release, and no one can be healthy with just one. It’s like having a ventilation system where air can only get through one hole. It can’t work.

So now I trust that a melody will come in its own time as it always does, and lyrics will follow as they always do, and every rendezvous with my instruments will be a moment of inspired searching rather than required purging. Whether the water is dark or clear, murky or blue, I know that I can jump in and go snorkeling with a full tank. I can touch the bottom if I have to and reach for the prettiest shells and not run out of air. Realizing that I could bring other outlets into my life that filled me so much that I could not write for 3 months and still be emotionally sound was a defining moment, or as Sheryl Crow said in a recent quote that I read, a refining moment. There are so many types of moments aren’t there? Unfortunately we spend a lot of time on the whining moments! But there are shining moments, confining moments, interwining moments, aligning moments. Every day of our lives we are mining moments, if we’re paying attention.

I want to wish all of you an amazing holiday season, filled with light, laughter, seriously good food and lots of music. I’ve enjoyed keeping in touch with all of you during '06 and I appreciate the beautiful feedback you’ve sent me. I wish you nothing but joy, peace, and self-discovery for 2007. See you next year.

Much love,
TT

Part 1 - Surfing

Hello lovely people,

Only 12 more days until this year is a memory, and there's so much dancing around my head as it draws to a close that I'm going to do something I've never done before - a two-part newsletter. Yes a tad self-indulgent perhaps (!), but I do love writing to you all and the end of a year is always a very reflective time. Better to break it up than having you scrolling forever. =)

I have fallen in love - my sister bought my dad a new puppy for his retirement last January, and I am completely, shamelessly smitten with her. As a result I have been forcing her picture on all of my friends and co-workers. Her name is Rosa (I named her after Rosa Parks and my late grandma Rose) and she's the most perfect baby yellow lab in the world, but she's not quite a baby anymore! She just turned one and no longer looks like a puppy. She looks like a - well - dog. I truly believe that she may have the cutest face on the planet. (Note to all: When you get a Retriever, be prepared to have her constantly retrieving things that you didn't ask for.) She also has entirely too much energy and thoroughly enjoys jumping on people and trying to eat everything she sees. "Rosa! That's not your bone! That's the remote control! Rosa chew your toy, not my toes! Rosa put down those boots! " Oh well. At least she's not pooping & diddling in the house the way she used to. When she curls up in her bed and looks up at me, I'm done for. Putty. A puddle of melted cheese.

I was recently a featured vocalist on the upcoming album by Toronto band Lovejoy. The tunes are fiercely catchy and I think the CD's gonna kick. It was fun in the studio because I got to do what I don't do nearly enough, which is really rock out. Ah, what a good place to put all my suppressed rage! I also got to do something that I do in my sleep, harmonize. I barely even recall singing melodies to songs on the radio past the age of about 12. I remember being in about grade seven and wondering why I was bothering to sing the same part as the person on the recording when they were already singing it... I am a self-professed Harmony Ho - give me any melody line and I'll do it!

I decided that this year was going to be the one in which I dared to do things that I secretly longed to do within the artistic sphere but hadn't the bravery to try. I've been doing it, and the universe seems to be rewarding me for the effort. I am loving my Theatre program so much and it feels like such a natural fit that I can't even imagine myself not having begun it. It's like surfing and stumbling upon the biggest and most beautiful wave... I know though that had I not lost my job early this year I probably wouldn't have felt the intense desire that I did to unearth more of myself. I'd have continued to audition for things for fun, but I certainly wouldn't have discovered the amazing level of belief in my work that I found in my instructors and fellow actors. I had an amazing semester that just ended, playing characters in Proof, Night of the Iguana, Brighton Beach Memoirs and getting to perform an absolutely wicked monologue from The Accused. Then there was Improv, all about creating something out of nothing. They use two very different parts of your brain and it's a total rush going back and forth.

I realize that I'm simply an artist who craves more colours in her palette. Aren't we all? I believe that every other artistic endeavour I embrace will make me a better songwriter and a better vocalist, because each one will create a more experienced human being. And what is songwriting if not putting the life experienced to music? Although I still have a lot to learn and much growing to do, I'm beginning to truly feel like an actress now, in my veins, and I didn't a year ago. I can't even begin to explain what that does to my blood. Everyone needs a feeling like that. It should be a New Year's promise made to yourself. Find your wave.

So ends Part I,
Tanisha