Part II - Snorkeling

I learned in 2006 is how easy it is for distance to set in between you and the people you care about. There are split seconds in which you suddenly recognize that perhaps you mean less to others than they do to you; it can be hard to accept how easily some people seem to be willing to let your presence in their lives just fade to black. I’ve always tried to maintain and nurture my relationships… but sometimes you just don’t get it back. You know how some people are so warm and receptive and engaged when they communicate with you, but unless you initiate it, they don’t? That can be a hurtful realization. It makes you question a lot of things, not the least of which is your own sense of perception.

I have news of a project to share with all of you that I’m absolutely thrilled about. As you know, in February I was a member of the ensemble of The Vagina Monologues. Next March, with the blessing of last year’s production team and the Head of the V-Day Worldwide Campaign, I will be making my debut as Director and Co-Producer of the official V-Day Toronto 2007 presentation. It’s a whole lot of work but I’ve assembled a fantastic Production team, which will allow me to devote as much of myself as I need to realizing my creative vision for the show. Auditions were a very interesting experience as it was my first time in the role of Casting Director – particularly kool was reading everyone’s responses to my “In 25 words of less, what does being a woman mean to you?” question. It was two long days of auditioning and I ate an obscene number of chips, but we found some wonderful actresses and I cannot wait to work with them. What a gift to be halfway through a 9 hour casting call and have someone walk in whose audition brings tears to your eyes, or makes you burst into laughter, or raises every pore on your arms. Great moments. Thank you to my Associate Producer Laura for donating the lovely Labspace Studio for our auditions. I will have much more info to share with you about the show in next month’s newsletter. To those of you who’ve sweetly been asking when the heck I’ll be performing again, the answer is not until the Monologues are over! I’m going to be eating breathing and sleeping vaginas for the next 3 months (okay, a part of that came out waaaay wrong!), but when V-Day wraps up I plan on singing and singing and singing my little heart out.

That said, I haven’t written any music since September. That probably doesn’t seem like very long, but I haven’t gone three months without composing a song since 1996. At any time in the past, I’d have been frantic right now. I would’ve been steeped in worry, sure that I was locked in some permanent state of Writer’s Block and lamenting the fact that the songs had left me forever. But I don’t feel that way, because it hasn’t been a block at all. It’s been a lack of inclination. For the last three months I’ve walked past my keyboard everyday and heard no call, and it’s probably one of the healthy things that could be happening right now. There was a period earlier this year during which I penned SO much that I was becoming consumed. If I didn’t write something for 3 days I would start trembling for reasons I couldn’t put my finger on, or I’d get a migraine, or insomnia. I see now that writing songs had become my sole means of release, and no one can be healthy with just one. It’s like having a ventilation system where air can only get through one hole. It can’t work.

So now I trust that a melody will come in its own time as it always does, and lyrics will follow as they always do, and every rendezvous with my instruments will be a moment of inspired searching rather than required purging. Whether the water is dark or clear, murky or blue, I know that I can jump in and go snorkeling with a full tank. I can touch the bottom if I have to and reach for the prettiest shells and not run out of air. Realizing that I could bring other outlets into my life that filled me so much that I could not write for 3 months and still be emotionally sound was a defining moment, or as Sheryl Crow said in a recent quote that I read, a refining moment. There are so many types of moments aren’t there? Unfortunately we spend a lot of time on the whining moments! But there are shining moments, confining moments, interwining moments, aligning moments. Every day of our lives we are mining moments, if we’re paying attention.

I want to wish all of you an amazing holiday season, filled with light, laughter, seriously good food and lots of music. I’ve enjoyed keeping in touch with all of you during '06 and I appreciate the beautiful feedback you’ve sent me. I wish you nothing but joy, peace, and self-discovery for 2007. See you next year.

Much love,
TT