Baby Steps for July

Hi everybody,

Why is life so difficult? The last 24 months have been a total doozy for me and the unexpected creative outlets I've had have been my absolute saving grace. Hmm, that's not a bad album title, My Absolute Saving Grace. I'll have to file that away for future ponderance. Anyway, my friends and family keep saying the same thing - "It's a test Tish. You're being tested for some reason." Okay fine. To God/the Universe/who or whatever else makes these determinations: I have been writing this exam for two years and my hand has a cramp. A baaaad cramp. My pen is also out of ink and I'm seriously low on paper. I assume it's all some sort of cosmic joke; thankfully my sense of humour has always been twisted. So I repeat to myself the words of the loved ones - "It's a test. The rainbow's coming. The pot of gold will be so huge you'll need a dolly to carry it!" Uh huh... yeah. I guess we shall see.

It's very interesting when you realize that the relationship you have with someone isn't what you thought it was. Sometimes you discover that it's so much more and sometimes that it's so much less. Always makes you lose your centre of gravity for awhile... I did a scene study this weekend and last night played the character of Lenny in Crimes Of The Heart. (By the way, calling one's daughter Lenny is just cruel.) With regards to the matter of realizations in relationships, doing scene study is such an eye-opener! It truly opens your eyes to how many actual choices we have in every interaction. There are SO many ways to speak, to look at people, to touch them or not to touch them, to mislead them or affirm them, to be a human or an android. It's amazing how we can affect each other without knowing it. I was really looking forward to doing the scene and I enjoyed it a lot. Lenny's an interesting character (and I got to sing a little bit which is always kool).

Has anyone been watching So You Think You Can Dance this season? It wasn't bad last year but this season is absolutely fantastic. These people are such beautiful, beautiful artists not to mention incredible athletes! There have been some performances this season, in particular some of the contemporary pieces, that have truly left me breathless. If you haven't watched it, it's on Wednesdays & Thursdays on CTV & FOX. And even though I swore I wouldn't watch because I couldn't care less about Supernova and Tommy Lee strikes me as a bit of a walking virus, I must admit that I've been tuning in to Rock Star once again. I just love the format and the whole vibe of the show. This year's talent isn't as impressive as last year's, but it's worth it just to catch the amazing Dilana who should so clearly win this thing that if she doesn't there's some serious chauvinism at work. I'm also digging the performances of a chiquita named Storm Large (yes, her family name is Large and her parents actually named her Storm.) It's on tonight so check it out!

Speaking of storming large, there have been several thunderstorms lately and I can't help but look at the parallels between these natural spectacles and this crazy game of life. Storms are awe-inspiring but so potentially dangerous, and remind you of how little control you actually have in the scheme of things. They're loud, and dramatic, but really beautiful. I think of dark clouds as the day-to-day struggles that rupture and release the rain, which purges and purifies and renews but can also drown you when there's too much of it and no place for it to go. It eventually dries and gives way to sunlight, if only for short bursts of time. And I see lightning as those flashes of absolute clarity we have in life, and thunder as the rest of the world trying to snuff them out. It's SO hard sometimes to keep what you know to be true in focus when other voices try to convince you otherwise. It takes internal strength that needs replenishing on a constant, unyielding basis. It takes a reservoir.

My website is disappearing for a few months, but it will be back - perhaps looking slightly different? - in October. In the meantime, you can always visit my My Space page to see what's up and hear new writing demos that I'll be uploading on a rotating basis. That's it for now. See you next month.

Peace&Love, Tanisha